More mom issues

"I feel invisible."  Selim told us last night, as he sat crying under his new bed.  Slay me.  Stab my heart.  Deep breathes.  I crouched down to his level and apologized.  How could he know that it the one thing that he could say that would eviscerate me more than anything else he possibly could utter?

I have felt invisible for so much of my life.  I have raged inside trying to figure out how not to feel that and I don't want him feeling that way either.  He reminded me that I get caught up in my own agenda and herd him along without seeing him and his reality in that moment.  Patience.  More patience.  Be in the moment and not multi-task in my head when I am barking out a directive.  Better yet, don't bark.

Upon reflection, I think I felt just like he did this weekend but I didn't have the courage to voice it.  What I wanted this weekend was time alone -- to be quiet, prayerful, and still.  And  the only time I got it was when I woke up at 5:00 and nobody else was up.  For some reason, that didn't feel like enough.  I wanted my husband to see me, my inner struggle; to hear my inside voice without my having to vocalize.  But he didn't read my mind or hear my silent begging.  Why didn't I just ask for an hour in the house by myself?  Why did I let myself and my needs stay invisible to the man who is my partner and who loves me?  The worst he could say would be "no" and then I would be pissed.  But that would be preferable to the quagmire of invisibility that is such a struggle for me to extricate.

On a lighter note, I made basmati rice last night and while it was simmering on the stove, the aroma brought me back to Village 77 RB, Rajasthan, India, 1978.  I was eleven and there over Spring break on a meditation retreat.  Every time I walked into the langar the smell made me want to vomit.  I would grab what was immediately portable -- a handful of raisins, cashews, Gluco biscuits, an orange and a cup of fennel tea and sit on a bench outside to eat.  It wasn't until the end of the trip that we pinpointed the smell of rice triggered my gag reflexes.  Ever since that trip, I have been unable to eat an orange and the aroma of basmati still makes me want to run in the other direction.  So last night I realized that particular smell still holds power over my stomach and I will not be making that again any time soon.

I wonder if I will end up in India this summer.  I expect to be posted at some Embassy or Consulate again this summer for another six-week stint.  With the Olympics in London this year,  I know I won't be returning there.  They have specific staffing needs that they have put in place since last summer and my name was not on the list.  A part of me would like to return to India -- a place that I have only had glimpses outside the Ashrams where I have spent weeks in meditation.  To go for employment and be able to do tourist things would be interesting.  Then again, if I go in the summer, I'm sure the heat will keep me from too much outside activity.

Crafty Sunday

I stole a little bit of time today to work on my quilt.  I sewed the remaining nine quilt squares that I had arranged back near Thanksgiving.

 Then I placed all of the completed squares on the bed.  Depending if I make the quilt seven by ten or eight by ten, I have 4 or 12 more to go.  I arranged fifteen more.  That way I have some extra to play with when it comes to the final arranging.  I bought the border fabric online from a quilt shop in Utah.  But I haven't decided what the thin strips in between the blocks will be.

The other major craft project happening in the house is the Valentine's Day card assembly for Selim's class.  He has nineteen classmates, a teacher's aide and his teacher.  We went to Michael's yesterday to get blank cards, envelopes, felt hearts with sticky backs, plastic gems, and stickers.  We have two weeks to complete this project.  So far, he has made eight cards and attached Valentine's themed pencils to each.  This morning at 0-dark hundred, I was on the couch watching the epic Australian Open tennis final between Novak Djokavic and Rafa Nadal when Selim pads out to the living room and asks me if we could "get working" on his cards.  I told him he needed to wait until 7:00am before I would be ready to start.

I'm happy to be starting a new week tomorrow.  Last week was really stressful.  The job interview went pretty well. Most of the situational questions I handled with relative ease.  The questions that were department specific I stumbled on a bit.  So I was happy to get the interview and have the practice.  Going forward that experience will help me with the next that I apply for.  I should know by the end of the week if I made the top round that get a second interview. 

I spent a few hours outside all bundled up while Selim kicked a ball, played in the little snow that is left, and stomped in the puddles.  Of course he is so hot he is not wearing a jacket.  Instead he is putting snow on his head to cool down while I am wrapped in blankets.  It is fun to watch him run around and amuse himself.

Feels like Mom failure

Selim had his 7 year old check up today.  The good news is that he didn't have to have any vaccinations.  The bad news, he hasn't grown a lot or added much weight this year and the doctor was concerned.  So we had to go next door to the lab and have them draw blood to check for anemia.  Oh boy.  That wasn't much fun for either of us.  Selim sat in my lap and his whole body shook.  I had to help hold his arm straight and still so that she could insert the needle into the inside elbow area.  It was hard on us both, but he did it.  He cried the whole way home, more from the pressure of the band aid and the idea of it than real pain.

I feel like a mom failure.  Eating has never been Selim's strong suit.  I try really hard to make the food I know he will eat, that is nutritionally balanced.  But is has always been a challenge.  Rarely does he say his is hungry.  He would rather talk, move, play -- than eat.  I've gotten used to his food patterns and haven't been that worried.  He isn't the smallest in his class and he seems regular to me.  To have the doctor express concern like that threw me for a loop.

Tonight I went online to look at the growth charts.   I remember that it took him three years to make it on to the charts for the first time.  At age four he was solidly on there.  I looked tonight and he is in the bottom 5th percentile for weight and isn't even on it for height.  I do not want food to be an issue for Selim.  I have a weight problem and I hope my issues haven't subconsciously translated into Selim not wanting to be like me.  I'm just sad and confused tonight and feel like bad mommy.

And between now and 9:00am tomorrow, I have to get my head in gear and be prepared for an interview.  I made the group of 30+ people who scored high enough on the initial qualifications to rate an interview for the GS-12/13 position in our office.  After the first round of interviews are finished this week, they will do a second round for the top 6 interviewees.  After that, they will make a decision.  I've got a suit out for tomorrow, now I just have to get my mind ready.

Sports Sunday

There is something incongruous about watching my seven year old in red and white striped pajamas with a penguin wearing a blue scarf and ear muffs -- talk about needing the whole family on the couch to watch the football game.  He should be wearing sweats and a Patriots jersey instead of cutie-pie sleep wear.

Today is all about football.  This morning the news broke that Joe Paterno died.  I feel for his family and for all the football players whose lives he touched in a positive way.  But the revengeful part of my nature feels that in death, he gets away with not answering the questions about the boys whose lives he did not protect by letting his assistant coach remain on campus, even after the alleged sexual misconduct.  Not very high minded of me, I know.

The good football news is that the New England Patriots are going back to the Super Bowl!  The game was really exciting and too close for comfort.  When the Patriots had to kick the ball away at the two minute warning only up by three points, I couldn't sit on the couch and watch anymore.  I went into the kitchen and washed the dishes.  Nedim and Selim were yelling to me to get back on the couch, but I was too anxious.  Instead, I heard the Ravens field goal kick miss the uprights.  I turned around to watch the replay.  With 11 seconds left on the clock, Brady only had to take one snap to get the victory.

It is sweet and frustrating to watch football with my hubby.  He didn't grow up with the game.  After 25 years in this country, he still does not know the rules or how the game is structured.  So during a play where I'm yelling because I'm excited or aggravated, he is yelling, "What?  What is going on?"  Argggghhhh.  If the game is of any importance, he is more concerned with the score at the end of each quarter than the actual game because of playing the numbers.  So we watch with a different goal in mind.  Tonight, I don't think he won any money, but he was still happy with the result.

The SF 49ers and NY Giants game is on now.  SF has the early lead.  I know that SF is the better team, but I want them to win.  I don't want the rematch of the Super Bowl from a few years ago when the Patriots lost to the Giants.  I'm not sure I will be awake for the end of this game.  Or I might have tuned into coverage of the Australian Open.  I couldn't sleep Saturday morning and turned on the tennis to see Lleyton Hewitt play Milos (?) Raonic.  It was great tennis and vintage Hewitt.  I really enjoyed that match and was so happy to Hewitt to pull it out in four sets.  He hadn't expected to make it out of the first round and then Roddick was injured in their second round match.  For him to advance past the third was unexpected.

And that is what I know in the world of professional sports.  On a more personal level, I may be ready to test for my yellow belt on February 11.  I  have to double check to see that I have gone to enough classes to qualify.  On Saturday we spent a lot of class time going over and over the forms and that was really helpful and fun.  The idea of having to break a board is intimidating.  I have a few weeks to decide if I am ready.

Non related items

I heard good news this morning.  Around 8:00 I got an email letting me know that I had met the qualifications for the GS-12/13 position that I had applied for and that my application was being forwarded.  I think that means that I made the certificate.  I'm not sure if management has to interview all the people who are deemed qualified by HR or not...but at least I made the first cut.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I scored high enough to make the interview list.

Not related, I bought hair coloring at Target the other day.  Selim was not happy about it.  He said that it was not OK with him if I color my hair.  I bought the kind that rinses out in a month.  I'm not sure that I'm ready for a permanent color.  But I am certain that I am sick of seeing all this gray around my face.  Since I'm growing my hair out, the gray pieces are now longer and more pronounced.  The box is sitting on the shelf by the sink, staring back at me when I brush my teeth.

I skipped karate tonight.  My cold is back and I feel like I'm blowing my nose every three minutes.  I couldn't face that big class and having a runny nose the whole time.  If I feel better tomorrow, I think I would like to go that beginner class again.  I really enjoyed the smaller class size.

And finally, Selim is in his room puttering around.  He found a bag of pins on he put them on his lanyard. He moved the fire station from the living room under his bed.  I'm loving his attention to detail and the thought and care he is taking with his room.

Selim's new bed

Yesterday Selim and I skipped karate and headed out for Ikea instead.  Last spring we had been in the store and he saw a bed that he really liked.  I told him that once he slept more in his bed than in mine, he could pick out a bed that he wanted.  Since he has been doing a great job of sleeping in his own bed recently, I kept my end of the deal and took him back.

It was an interesting trip.  Most of the times we go I am looking for something specific for me.  This time, I followed his lead.  We picked up a few small things -- a stuffed dog, green pillow and one that has a design that reminds him of a treasure map.  Just before we got to the cafeteria, we hit the kids section.  And there was The Bed.  It was wood with white and blue, not green as he had remembered.  But it is like a bunk bed, without the second bunk.  The bed platform is about four feet up, using three ladder steps to get up.  The bottom is empty for a play or storage area.

In the marketplace area, we picked up a couple of big floor pillows, a light weight duvet and cover, and a few more storage bins for the unit we picked up last time.  I got a small stock pot and juice glasses.  I had a monetary number in mind and we came in $70 below, so I was pleased.  We stopped at Trader Joe's on Rt 1 north of Boston to complete our day.

Today the goal was to clean his bedroom, remove his old bed and install the new.  I didn't take before pictures because the room was so bad, I would not have been able to share them.  It wasn't hoarder bad, but it was gross.  Selim and I worked in his room while Nedim organized the bed pieces and started construction in the living room.  I am/was so proud of Selim and his willingness to through stuff out.  When he was small, he used to find "pretty" trash at the park and insist on bringing it home.  He has not had an easy time tossing broken toys, drawings, bits of paper, old pipe cleaners, or craft projects away. 

This morning was a different story.  He put things in the trash sack and told me to toss things as well.  We took out four kitchen trash bags full of crap out of that room.  Disgusting, when I think too much about it.  We got the room cleared out about the same time that Nedim was ready to bring in the new bed.  Construction went fairly smoothly.  The only hick up came when Nedim cut the Allen wrench so that it could fit in the power drill.  Genius!  But that made Selim really mad, "I didn't say that you could break the Allen wrench, Dad!"    Traumatic for him.

When the bed was finished, Nedim took off to his standing Sunday afternoon pool tournament while Selim and I stayed focused on the task at hand.  We went through the piles of stuff that we took out of the room to make way for the bed and only put back things that he likes, uses, and still wants.  That turned out to be a small fraction of the items that were there in the first place.  We put his karate pee-wee belts and the boards he broke in one bin, stuffed animals in another and one more with favorite books.  There is one miscellaneous container with costume hats and a few odds and ends, and that is it.  Selim set out the pillows; arranged the stuffed animal dog bed; and set the bins just so.  It is now a delightful space.  The only project that we didn't tackle in the room were the books.  We have to go through those and take out the baby board books, but otherwise, it is decluttered.

Since the sun was beginning to set and we hadn't had any outside time, we bundled up and played in the front yard.  He played, while I cleaned out the car and then sat on the front step.  I love it that he is content to play by himself in the snow.  He took out a butte knife and cut out blocks of snow and made tunnels in the snowbank.  He can amuse himself so much better outside than in.  I had fun watching him play, slide over the snow and jump around.

When Nedim came back, we installed the cloud lamp for his under the bed space.  With that on, he pulled out a book and began reading it to his friends.  Magical, really.  I think this will be huge for him.  Having a high bed opens up the small room and does allow for a play space that wasn't there before.

Our day would have ended on a high note had he not been practicing a karate kick.  Instead, he kicked, slipped and did a face plant on the floor.  He bit the inside of his lip really hard and gave himself a nose bleed.  He spit out lots of blood and was convinced that he had broken his jaw.  He was so scared that his legs shook and he could barely stand on his own.  Part of the issue is that he has lost three top teeth in the past two weeks, so his mouth is super sensitive and other teeth are wiggly.  It makes any hit to the mouth more scary when he thinks he will lose another tooth.

It took a while to calm him down.  But we did get him on the couch, with a paper towel to his lip, and after singing a few songs - relaxed.  He fell asleep before 7:30 and I think he will be OK tomorrow.  I wish the day hadn't ended like this because it was a great day.  His willingness to toss stuff gives me hope for the rest of the house.  I can take inspiration from his actions.

On MLK Jr.

So this afternoon Selim and I were in the car on the way to speech therapy.  We were pulling into the parking lot when we had this exchange.  He asked me, 
     "Mom, have you ever heard of Martin Luther King?"    
     "Yes."
     "He was shot."
     "I know."
     "So you know about white skin and brown skin then?"
     "Yes."
     "So if it weren't for him, Hope and Ben (names changed because his classmates didn't ask for recognition) would have to sit in the back of the class room."
     "That isn't right, is it?"
     "No.  It's crazy!"

Fast forward another hour or so.  Selim and I are in the front yard.  He is working on his snow cave by the light of his Christmas flashlight, since the front porch light is out.  It is supposed to get really cold tonight and he wanted to make sure that his cave was exactly right before the hard freeze.  I'm wearing two jackets to stave off the cold wind and waiting on the front step for him to finish his masterpiece.
     "Why was he shot?"
     "Because someone didn't like his views.  He thought that brown skinned people should not enjoy the same kind of life as people with white skin."
     "Mom.  So there was this brown skinned person sitting on a bus.  A white person came over to her and said that that was his seat and told that person to move and she said 'No.'  And then she was arrested."
     "I know."
     "Can you imagine that?"
     "It is hard to believe."

And just because I think he is so photogenic...