It is the 10th anniversary of loosing you and I am writing my yearly check-in letter to you. I'm not sure where your soul is right now, but I am certain that you are under the Master's protection.
I don't have much to say. But here is a recap of our weekend. Nedim, Selim, and I went to the Ashram on Saturday afternoon. For Nedim and I, it was out 10th year wedding anniversary. When we first got there, I made him go take pictures in front of the Satsang Hall, where we got married. There was a retreat going on, so we couldn't go inside. Combined with some pictures that we took in the morning, we managed a couple of cute ones for our special day.
We let Selim have some grandparent time while we went out for a quiet dinner. We ate at the Common Man in Ashland and stuffed ourselves. The meat special on the menu was right up Nedim's alley -- rack of lamb on a bed of cous cous with olives, tomatoes and feta cheese. I got the mac and cheese, minus the lobster, and butternut squash. The meal was delicious and it was very sweet to be out with him, just the two of us. We haven't incorporated a date night into our routine, and we probably should.
The Satsang on Sunday was the last devoted to the 50th anniversary of the founding of the Ashram. Russell read an account of a woman who had seen Master Kirpal the morning that he left the Ashram in 1963. She was 12 at the time and had been out driving with her father. But the story was crazy. They had been in Hudson, NH -- over an hour away and somehow managed to be on Osgood Rd when the caravan of cars leaving the Ashram were driving down the road. Really? How is that possible? As her car passed, Master Kirpal folded his hands together and nodded to her father. She scooted over to the left side of the backseat and also had a chance to look into the eyes of Kirpal. They didn't know who he was, or anything about Sant Bani. They saw the Sant Bani sign and being devout Catholics, wondered if it was a home for boys following St. Bonaventure. As the years went by, they would sometimes talk about the man with the white beard and white turban that they had seen that day. Her father passed away in 1980 something and a few years later she came across Sant Ji and discovered who that man had been.
The Masters work in mysterious ways. Looking back on decisions I have made...relationships that didn't work out and seemed so tragic at the time...roads that I took or didn't...I know that there is a reason why you didn't stay in my life. I don't know what it is, but I do feel that it happened for a reason. There is protection in there, somewhere.
I still think about you, the flicker of the heart beat that I saw on the ultrasound that made you so real to me. When I was out running this morning, I tried to be consciously grateful for all that is in my life and for the lessons I have learned. One thing that your loss taught me was that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. All I ever wanted to be was a mother. When I got pregnant with you, it was the fulfillment of all my dreams. Finally, I felt that I was going to be what I felt was my destiny. I couldn't believe my good fortune. So to lose you those weeks later -- it took all that I had to get up from the bathroom floor and carry on. But I did. And I continue, even though the blow still can hurt, 10 years later.
Back to my run this morning (it is silly to write about it, but I want to document that I had this success); I'm back at it after taking most of the year off after a successful 2012 campaign. I am four weeks into a program and today I ran for 12 minutes then walked for 1 minute repeated 4 times for a total of 52 minutes. I ran down Osgood Rd, to Weeks Road, made a u-turn at the golf course and ran down the dump road. I took a right at Bennett's Ferry Road and at the end, took a left a the fork and started back up Osgood Road. At the end of 52 minutes, I was at the Olson's driveway and I had to walk the rest of the way to the Ashram. I mapped it out and the run/walk distance was close to 4 miles and in total, about 4.75. Not too shabby. I'm not setting any speed records, but I am getting back out there and testing the limits of my lungs.
We went out to Amy and Jero's lake house for lunch. What a gift! Eating out on their deck, in the sun, talking about the Ashram and enjoying our friendship. It was a great send off for the end of the weekend. I think feel the warmth of the sun and the friendship in my body tonight. I am so grateful for the opportunities to get away from regular day to day chores and have these hours of play, good food, and remembrance of the Master.
So Bebek, I don't have any real news for you. In some ways, it has been a bit of a rough year. But I feel like I'm pulling out of a funk and feel more hopeful. Life goes on. I marvel at the beautiful, miracle boy that I do have in my life. He turns 9 in three days. I am so lucky for all the family that I have and the people that love me. Wherever your soul is, I know that you are the recipient of His Grace and Protection just like we are.
Until next year, my little flicker of light that was not meant to be...I love you and am thankful for you because you started my life on this chapter. Without you, I would not have Selim.
Love,
Mom
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