Just checking in

Dear Bebek,

Just checking in with you today.  I woke up before my alarm, thinking about you.  But I wasn't sad.  Instead, I felt calm and peaceful.  I felt surrounded by Grace.  Today was a warm morning and the air was moist and soft.  My bedroom windows were open and I spent my first conscious moments breathing in the air, grateful that I wasn't on my bathroom floor, feeling the pain spasms of you separating from my body. Instead, I was snug underneath my latest quilt, enjoying the beauty of something I had created.

At odd moments throughout the day I thought of your soul.  When I put on my shoes, I wondered if you would have liked them or if you would have rolled your eyes at me once I showed them to you. I'm training a group of five new hires and they are smart, funny, and we are in the still getting to know each other phase.  And part of that means telling them a bit about me and my family.  I told them how Sunday night Selim asked me if there was anything good on TV. And by good, he clarified, "I don't mean football or baseball." Then I wondered what you might have liked watching?  What would our Sunday evening viewing be if we had two kids instead of one?  Surely if I had been fated to have two kids, one would have liked watching sports with me.

After work I had an appointment in Portsmouth and the woman waxing my eyebrows asked me about my day.  I told her that it had been a good day and that I had booked the session for a little pampering on this difficult anniversary.  When I left, very softly she said, "I'll say a prayer for you tonight."  She meant it and I have had this feeling of being well cared for today.

I've changed in the eleven years since it has been since I lost you.  I'm stronger.  I have survived the grief.  I have survived the loss -- of the physical, of the idea of you, of the dream you represented, of the vision that I had of my future family.  I don't know where your soul is today.  But if my sense of grace and calm is in any way shape or form connected to you -- then you are in a great place.  God willing,  Inshalla, I am right about that.

Good night, Bebek.  If you are on this earth, sweet dreams.
Love,
Mom