Out of the blue

I was weepy today. And irritable.  And so sad.  I didn't know why I was so out of sorts.  Nedim asked me why I was yelling at him on the phone.  From deep in my core, unexpectedly, and without thinking about it, I blurted, "Because had Bebek lived and gone to full term, tomorrow we could be celebrating a 10. YEAR. BIRTHDAY!"

Silence.

"Oh." And in such a small, sorrowful voice, my husband replied, "I am so sorry, Tatlim."

"Me too.  I didn't mean to yell at you.  I'm going to hang up."  I dropped the phone on the kitchen counter, doubled over at my waist and sobbed, wounded animal, keening cries.

I don't often think about May 10.  Had Bebek been meant to be, who knows if I would have carried full term?  May be some years I remember that May 10 was the due date, but not every year.  It isn't the same as October, 14 on my scale of difficult anniversaries.  So today was unexpected in the ferocity of the feelings grief, anger, and sense of loss.

I really wanted a little girl, in addition to the wonderful child that I was able to bring into this world.  And then I feel guilty for even thinking about wanting more when I have the most remarkable not-so-little boy.  He has my heart and I wouldn't change anything about him.  But I see pictures of my friends with their girls and I am so happy for them and at the same time, I feel like my heart is nicked up from longing.  I want that, you know, the little girl that looks something like me.  May be should would have my eye color, but the beautiful shape of he Daddy's.  May be she would have my nose which is just like my Dad's.  Or maybe my smile which I think looks like my Mom's.  She would probably have thick, dark hair that could be my side or Nedim's.  But I would love her.  That much I know.

Had we known that the three or four years we tried to have a baby would be in vain, would we have looked into adoption earlier?  By the time I had my surgery, and creating a child no longer an option, I felt like I as too old and the window to bring a child into our family through a different avenue had shut.  I wish I knew why, after being peaceful about the decisions we made, I feel all jumbled and sad tonight.

May be I'm so emotional because Sunday is Mother's Day.  In some ways that is a sweet day.  I get to hug and kiss my Lovey Lamb who brings so much  joy into my life.  And yet, there is an aspect of sorrow about the day.  I think about the women who haven't been able to have a child and want to, desperately, or women who have lost babies, or had to give them up.  My heart goes out to them.  The day isn't as simple as the chocolate, flowers, and greeting card companies want it to be.  It is wonderful to celebrate the strength of the women who take on child rearing.  And it is also a day to be kind to a woman who wanted to be a mother with her whole heart and is on the outside looking in on other mother-child relationships.

There isn't anything I can change right now.  It is 1:06am and it has been a long day.  May be I will dream about a little blue-eyed, dancing girl, whose name would have been Layla.