For years I kept journals -- in composition, spiral bound, and French graph paper books. This blog is an attempt to get back to writing and documenting the world around me using photos, newspaper headlines, and other articles.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween / Boston Strong

Happy Halloween.  Most towns celebrate on Halloween on October 31.  However, out town does not. We had our day yesterday.  Here is the recap.

Halloween is not my favorite day.  It never has been.  There are pictures of me when I was little, wearing a costume, crying, and standing next to my beaming sister.  She was in her element and I was not.  Reflecting, what could be worse for an extreme introvert than knocking on strangers' doors and asking for candy.  Nightmare!

When I was pregnant with Selim I was out in California with Heather and we were in a craft store.  I remember a wave of uncertainty and panic washing over me as I realized that I was going to be a parent and responsible for dressing up my child in costume.  I wanted to cry.  I was never going to be as creative and eager for the parades and parties as my older sister.  What I have learned since that afternoon is that I can take Selim to the costume aisle in a big box store and he can debate the merits of Superman versus Iron man or a ninja versus a pirate.  He is happy to pick one and for less than $20.  He gets what he wants and I get to not worry about how to make a costume for him.  That is money well spent, in my opinion.

And because he wanted to have a wide selection to choose from, we got his costume at the end of September.  During the week prior, the school had a "pirate day."  It was a hit and he decided that he would be a pirate.

Yesterday morning as he was getting ready for school he asked me if I was going to school to be at the parade and join the party in his classroom.  I just looked at him, forgetting that the festivities at school would be the same day that the town trick or treats.  I hadn't checked my email in a few days and I had missed the call for treats and the afternoon school schedule.  Mommy fail.  Good thing I had already put in a leave slip for the first half of my shift.  Before he got on the bus I told him that I would be at the parade and that I would check my email to find out when I should show up.

The classroom party was at 1:30 and the parade at 2:00.  I walked into the classroom just as they were gathering for their group photo.  Perfect timing.  Mom was with me and we were able to hang out while the kids ate their treats and got ready for the parade.  Some of the costumes were very elaborate.  It was fun to see them all dressed up.




In the evening, before Selim went candy gathering, I made him pose for pictures.  He is getting less and less eager to be in front of the camera.  He was patient with me, even though he really wanted to get outside and get the action started.






The other big event of the day was Game 6 of the Wold Series.  Boston was up three games to two against the St. Louis Cardinals.  I don't know why I didn't take the whole dang day off so that I could watch the game, but I didn't.  So I went to work at 8:00, just as the game was starting.  Every now and then I would walk past the break room to see the score.  I missed the Sox getting six runs.  Around 11:00, it was the bottom of the eighth inning and many of us started gathering in front of the TV in the lunch room.  At the top of the ninth, the room started filling up.  We clapped at the first out and more people came in.  After the second, people started whooping it up and more people came in the room. When Uehara got the final out, the room was full and we were all screaming and clapping.

That was so different from the final out of the World Series in 2004.  That year it was Red Sox versus Cardinals as well.  Mom and I were at David's House in Hanover.  Selim was in the NICU.  I was asleep on the couch in the living room.  The house was quiet.  Mom woke me up at the top of the ninth inning, knowing that I would want to see the end of the game.  The Red Sox hadn't won a World Series since 1918 and history was about to me made.  Boston did win and I remember dragging myself to the bedroom and falling right back to sleep.  I have always associated Boston's win with Selim's improving; those two events are intertwined in my mind.

For Boston, this series was all about "Boston Strong."  It was just this April that the two homemade bombs went off at the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  Who will forget Big Papi's address over the PA system a few days later that had a few expletives sprinkled in.  The city, the team, was an unbreakable unit.  I think it was Victorino, who closed his post-game interview with "Boston Strong!" And that is what brought tears to my eyes.

Last night, instead of watching and cheering in virtual silence, I was among my colleagues, whooping it up.  It was festive, fun, and satisfying.  Hopefully, all the Sox players on on their way to a barber shop today to shave off their hideous beards.  I understand rally caps and playoff bears, but the facial hair on those players was over the top and so icky.  The parade is scheduled for Saturday.  Wouldn't it be fun if they had clean faces by then?

Thursday, October 17, 2013

#9





Happy birthday to my dearest, sweetest, Turkish warrior boy!!! You are the light of my life, the joy of my heart and the one thing in life that I feel I have done right.  I am so grateful that you joined me here on earth.  Your presence makes my time here so much richer, brighter, and more lively!

May you continue to smile, grow, learn, run, play, study, observe, swim, bike, laugh, tease, snuggle, hug, read, listen, help, and be curious (among other things) for many, many more years to come.

I love you with all my heart.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

Monday, October 14, 2013

Dear Bebek

Dear Bebek,

It is the 10th anniversary of loosing you and I am writing my yearly check-in letter to you.  I'm not sure where your soul is right now, but I am certain that you are under the Master's protection.

I don't have much to say.  But here is a recap of our weekend.  Nedim, Selim, and I went to the Ashram on Saturday afternoon.  For Nedim and I, it was out 10th year wedding anniversary.  When we first got there, I made him go take pictures in front of the Satsang Hall, where we got married.  There was a retreat going on, so we couldn't go inside.  Combined with some pictures that we took in the morning, we managed a couple of cute ones for our special day.





We let Selim have some grandparent time while we went out for a quiet dinner.  We ate at the Common Man in Ashland and stuffed ourselves.  The meat special on the menu was right up Nedim's alley -- rack of lamb on a bed of cous cous with olives, tomatoes and feta cheese.  I got the  mac and cheese, minus the lobster, and butternut squash.  The meal was delicious and it was very sweet to be out with him, just the two of us.  We haven't incorporated a date night into our routine, and we probably should.

The Satsang on Sunday was the last devoted to the 50th anniversary of the founding of the Ashram.  Russell read an account of a woman who had seen Master Kirpal the morning that he left the Ashram in 1963.  She was 12 at the time and had been out driving with her father.  But the story was crazy.  They had been in Hudson, NH -- over an hour away and somehow managed to be on Osgood Rd when the caravan of cars leaving the Ashram were driving down the road.  Really?  How is that possible?  As her car passed, Master Kirpal folded his hands together and nodded to her father.  She scooted over to the left side of the backseat and also had a chance to look into the eyes of Kirpal.  They didn't know who he was, or anything about Sant Bani.  They saw the Sant Bani sign and being devout Catholics, wondered if it was a home for boys following St. Bonaventure.  As the years went by, they would sometimes talk about the man with the white beard and white turban that they had seen that day.  Her father passed away in 1980 something and a few years later she came across Sant Ji and discovered who that man had been.

The Masters work in mysterious ways.  Looking back on decisions I have made...relationships that didn't work out and seemed so tragic at the time...roads that I took or didn't...I know that there is a reason why you didn't stay in my life.  I don't know what it is, but I do feel that it happened for a reason. There is protection in there, somewhere.

I still think about you, the flicker of the heart beat that I saw on the ultrasound that made you so real to me.  When I was out running this morning, I tried to be consciously grateful for all that is in my life and for the lessons I have learned.  One thing that your loss taught me was that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for.  All I ever wanted to be was a mother.  When I got pregnant with you, it was the fulfillment of all my dreams.  Finally, I felt that I was going to be what I felt was my destiny.  I couldn't believe my good fortune.  So to lose you those weeks later -- it took all that I had to get up from the bathroom floor and carry on.  But I did.  And I continue, even though the blow still can hurt, 10 years later.

Back to my run this morning (it is silly to write about it, but I want to document that I had this success); I'm back at it after taking most of the year off after a successful 2012 campaign.  I am four weeks into a program and today I ran for 12 minutes then walked for 1 minute repeated 4 times for a total of 52 minutes.  I ran down Osgood Rd, to Weeks Road, made a u-turn at the golf course and ran down the dump road.  I took a right at Bennett's Ferry Road and at the end, took a left a the fork and started back up Osgood Road.  At the end of 52 minutes, I was at the Olson's driveway and I had to walk the rest of the way to the Ashram.  I mapped it out and the run/walk distance was close to 4 miles and in total, about 4.75.  Not too shabby.  I'm not setting any speed records, but I am getting back out there and testing the limits of my lungs.

We went out to Amy and Jero's lake house for lunch.  What a gift!  Eating out on their deck, in the sun, talking about the Ashram and enjoying our friendship.  It was a great send off for the end of the weekend.  I think feel the warmth of the sun and the friendship in my body tonight.  I am so grateful for the opportunities to get away from regular day to day chores and have these hours of play, good food, and remembrance of the Master.

So Bebek, I don't have any real news for you.  In some ways, it has been a bit of a rough year.  But I feel like I'm pulling out of a funk and feel more hopeful.  Life goes on.  I marvel at the beautiful, miracle boy that I do have in my life.  He turns 9 in three days.  I am so lucky for all the family that I have and the people that love me.  Wherever your soul is, I know that you are the recipient of His Grace and Protection just like we are.

Until next year, my little flicker of light that was not meant to be...I love you and am thankful for you because you started my life on this chapter.  Without you, I would not have Selim.

Love,
Mom