For years I kept journals -- in composition, spiral bound, and French graph paper books. This blog is an attempt to get back to writing and documenting the world around me using photos, newspaper headlines, and other articles.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Dear Bebek

Hey Bebek,

I've been thinking about you.  My alarm went off at 3:15 this morning because I have to be at work at 4:30 this week.  There was something about the darkness and stillness of the hour this morning that reminded me of those early morning hours when I lost you on the bathroom floor in our Milford apartment, twelve years ago today.  As I showered today, I thought about what I might say to you, in my annual letter that helps me in my journey of healing and find some comfort in the lingering loss.

At first I thought that I would share what is going on in the world.  But so much of the news is sad or makes me so mad, that why bother with that?  I was getting all worked  up thinking about the hypocrisy of society. We care about babies before they are born and insist on their life, but once they are, we are indifferent to their condition, or blame the mother for their existence.  Or we say religion and politics matter more than human suffering.  This world is filled with so much sorrow right now, some days it is hard to see the light.  What would my fate be if I had been born in Syria?

Then I thought I shouldn't be focusing on what makes me so mad.  After all, it was 3:25 in the morning and I didn't need to get so riled up.  So I thought I could tell you about this year.  But the past twelve months have had a lot of rough patches.  I had wanted to apply for a job in VT, but was overruled by my guys.  I didn't, because they were right.  They have sacrificed for my career -- whether it was the years I went to second shift so that I could be a supervisor, or the six weeks I spent in DC in preparation for another 6 weeks away in London.  This year I was gone for 3 weeks for work in February.  So I needed to put them first.  But it was hard to let go of that idea of moving and trying something new.  It took a while, but in the end I was glad that I had listened to my guys.

It turns out that it was good that I didn't apply for the VT job because I got the same position at my home agency.  I was surprised on some level, but not totally.  I knew I had a good chance, however, the reality of actually getting the job was still a shock.  The Adjudication Manager job is the one I wanted since I started working there in 2007.  It had the group of people I most admired and I wanted to be their peer.  It has been an exciting and a difficult transition.  I didn't expect it to be so isolating.  I've gone from a peer group of 60 down to 17.  My old supervisor pals are now careful around me and don't pop into the office to say hi to me anymore.  So that part is hard.  Overall, I'm happy with the new responsibilities -- but there is an adjustment.

As I made our lunches and puttered in the kitchen, I thought I could give you the family updates.  After being on the same coast as my sister for the past three years, she has moved back to the west coast.  We took full advantage of our proximity during these years and she did most of the driving up to see us.  We made it down in April and September, and she came up all the other months. So I don't look back and regret that we didn't take advantage of our proximity; I'm just sad that once again, we are so far away from each other. And then there is Mom and Robert's situation which we are all still weathering.  If I think about it too much, I'll just vomit.

As I drove out over our leaf covered driveway, I debated about talking some sports.  If you had lived, would you have liked sports like I do?  The Cubs have won a playoff series the other night, amazingly enough (yay).  The Patriots won the last Superbowl in the midst of "deflate-gate."   Serena won three of the past four Grand Slam events but lost the US Open (wow!).  The USWNT won the World Cup; so  happy for those women.  And USC just fired their coach.  They play Notre Dame this week.  This will make the fourth coach in the past four years to lead the team in this particular rivalry. I may not be able to watch that game come Saturday evening.

I crossed over the bridge on the Bay, admired the wispy fog tendrils and thought that I would tell you that I still think of you but I am not crushed by your loss.  Your brother turns 11 on Saturday and I am so grateful for the family of three that I do have.  I am so blessed that I was able to have a child, who despite coming 3 months early, has thrived.   This mom gig is the best thing ever.

So, I trust that your soul is with the Light.  I'll check in with you next year.


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