For years I kept journals -- in composition, spiral bound, and French graph paper books. This blog is an attempt to get back to writing and documenting the world around me using photos, newspaper headlines, and other articles.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Dearest Bebek

My Dear Bebek,

I thought about you all the drive into work this morning.  There was a chill in the air and I had the heat on my feet in the car.  Traffic seemed lighter on the roads than usual.  May be lots of folks had the day off.  I had the radio on NPR but when the first report on Donald Trump and his Presidential campaign came on,  I hit the power button off.  Silence in the car gave me space to think and talk with you.

I told you about the year I've had.  Last year I remember I was in rough shape.  This year has been better.  We've settled into the new house.  Your brother's first year in the new school went really well.  He has made friends and seems to be thriving.  He has joined the recreational / travel soccer team and loves the sport and the camaraderie.  Some of the nights he has practice I walk the trail around the field complex.  Other nights I have my embroidery with me or a good book.  And other evenings I put the seat back in the car and nap.  He loves foot rubs and back rubs.  He still likes hanging out with me.  We share a lot of laughter and love.

I've had over a year now in my current position at work and have found it easier going.  I think I am finding my own voice and leadership style.  I'm not so hesitant to express what I feel is the right way to go about something.  I'm getting better at the whole manager thing.  I think I am gaining respect from my peers and my team.  So it is a good feeling.  Today was the last day for one of my direct reports.  The group threw her a going away breakfast pot-luck.  The spread was impressive and it gave folks an opportunity to publicly thank her and share stories.  It was sweet.  Later the two of us walked the parking lot loop.  It gave her a chance to tell me anything that she might have held back.  In that conversation I learned some things that I am doing right and a couple of missteps that I have made.  I am grateful for her candor and her willingness to open up with me.

And I'm finding my tribe outside of work.  I've joined the Seacoast Modern Quilt Guild and am loving it.  I have made most of the monthly meetings.  I enjoy the show and tell, the learning, and the whole social thing.  I'm not the oldest or the youngest.  I'm in awe of the talent and work that these women pump out.  And I'm discovering my ability as well.  I feel like I belong and that is a wonderful feeling.  I've got several projects going at once, something that I didn't used to do.  I used to make myself finish a project before I started a new one.  And now, I have many choices when I go down to my sewing room.  Do I feel like working on the 6" blocks from the Splendid Sampler, my own design projects, or a new project based on street names where I have lived.  They are different entities, in different color palettes and patterns.  I love having the variety at my fingertips.

Your daddy and I celebrated our 13th anniversary two days ago.  I left work early to have a lunch date with him.  We ended up eating canned soup at our kitchen island after spending the previous hours cleaning, rearranging some furniture and hanging pictures.  Romantic, I know.   We were too hungry to go out.  But we did have a nice, celebratory Indian dinner.  And of course, I hauled him outside for a selfie.

We've had a new addition to the family.  My brother and his wife welcomed another girl, Heloise, into their family unit this spring.  We got to meet her briefly this summer while on vacation in NY.  We took a day trip into Canada and met down on Lake Ontario.  It is always sweet to see Tyler, Natalie, Georgia, and now Heloise.  And speaking of family, tomorrow Dad and Valerie are coming for a visit.  They have made it out to the East Coast for leaf peeping and Valerie is teaching a workshop.  It is a bonus for us that they will be close and can stay with us for a night.

So that is the basic recap of the family.  There are so many times throughout the year when I wonder about you...what you might have been like had you lived and also where you might be now.  As Selim grows into such a great older boy / young man, I assume that you would have also been a delight.  If your soul made it into the fabric of another family, then I am trusting you are loved exponentially.  For you have my love from a far and from a family at hand.

I miss you.  I miss the opportunity to have been your mother for any substantial length of time.  I miss that I never got to hold you.  I saw your heartbeat flicker on the ultrasound machine.  You were real to me.  I simply feel the loss that we didn't get to know each other. Wherever you are in this universe, may God be with you.

Before I start crying into my computer, I better stop.  Just know that I love your soul and I still think of you.  I'll catch up with you next year.


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