For years I kept journals -- in composition, spiral bound, and French graph paper books. This blog is an attempt to get back to writing and documenting the world around me using photos, newspaper headlines, and other articles.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Just checking in

Dear Bebek,

Just checking in with you today.  I woke up before my alarm, thinking about you.  But I wasn't sad.  Instead, I felt calm and peaceful.  I felt surrounded by Grace.  Today was a warm morning and the air was moist and soft.  My bedroom windows were open and I spent my first conscious moments breathing in the air, grateful that I wasn't on my bathroom floor, feeling the pain spasms of you separating from my body. Instead, I was snug underneath my latest quilt, enjoying the beauty of something I had created.

At odd moments throughout the day I thought of your soul.  When I put on my shoes, I wondered if you would have liked them or if you would have rolled your eyes at me once I showed them to you. I'm training a group of five new hires and they are smart, funny, and we are in the still getting to know each other phase.  And part of that means telling them a bit about me and my family.  I told them how Sunday night Selim asked me if there was anything good on TV. And by good, he clarified, "I don't mean football or baseball." Then I wondered what you might have liked watching?  What would our Sunday evening viewing be if we had two kids instead of one?  Surely if I had been fated to have two kids, one would have liked watching sports with me.

After work I had an appointment in Portsmouth and the woman waxing my eyebrows asked me about my day.  I told her that it had been a good day and that I had booked the session for a little pampering on this difficult anniversary.  When I left, very softly she said, "I'll say a prayer for you tonight."  She meant it and I have had this feeling of being well cared for today.

I've changed in the eleven years since it has been since I lost you.  I'm stronger.  I have survived the grief.  I have survived the loss -- of the physical, of the idea of you, of the dream you represented, of the vision that I had of my future family.  I don't know where your soul is today.  But if my sense of grace and calm is in any way shape or form connected to you -- then you are in a great place.  God willing,  Inshalla, I am right about that.

Good night, Bebek.  If you are on this earth, sweet dreams.

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