Just checking in with you today. I woke up before my alarm, thinking about you. But I wasn't sad. Instead, I felt calm and peaceful. I felt surrounded by Grace. Today was a warm morning and the air was moist and soft. My bedroom windows were open and I spent my first conscious moments breathing in the air, grateful that I wasn't on my bathroom floor, feeling the pain spasms of you separating from my body. Instead, I was snug underneath my latest quilt, enjoying the beauty of something I had created.
At odd moments throughout the day I thought of your soul. When I put on my shoes, I wondered if you would have liked them or if you would have rolled your eyes at me once I showed them to you. I'm training a group of five new hires and they are smart, funny, and we are in the still getting to know each other phase. And part of that means telling them a bit about me and my family. I told them how Sunday night Selim asked me if there was anything good on TV. And by good, he clarified, "I don't mean football or baseball." Then I wondered what you might have liked watching? What would our Sunday evening viewing be if we had two kids instead of one? Surely if I had been fated to have two kids, one would have liked watching sports with me.
After work I had an appointment in Portsmouth and the woman waxing my eyebrows asked me about my day. I told her that it had been a good day and that I had booked the session for a little pampering on this difficult anniversary. When I left, very softly she said, "I'll say a prayer for you tonight." She meant it and I have had this feeling of being well cared for today.
I've changed in the eleven years since it has been since I lost you. I'm stronger. I have survived the grief. I have survived the loss -- of the physical, of the idea of you, of the dream you represented, of the vision that I had of my future family. I don't know where your soul is today. But if my sense of grace and calm is in any way shape or form connected to you -- then you are in a great place. God willing, Inshalla, I am right about that.
Good night, Bebek. If you are on this earth, sweet dreams.