I had such a tough day yesterday. Originally my second interview for the supervisor position was scheduled for 9:00am -- perfect time for me. Half way through my work day, I would be fresh, alert and not having to think about it all day. But the night before I was asked to change times to accommodate the panel to include second shift managers and the time changed to 1:00. Sigh. That is my last hour of my shift, when I am most tired and ready to leave the building.
In retrospect, the change was a good thing. When I opened my email yesterday morning, two messages were waiting. The first was from the Overseas TDY coordinator with the formal request of my participation in the program, returning to London for the Olympics. I'm so flattered that they would ask me back. Good confidence booster, but I knew that I would have to talk it over with my management team.
The second email was a congratulations on making the second round of interviews for the supervisor position and to let me know that the position would be for second shift. If I want to the management team, I need to go back to second shift and pay my dues and wait for an opportunity to open up on first. All five positions that are open now are going to second shifters and those selected will back fill their positions. Argh. So the question is -- do I want the hours that my body likes and is best for my family or do I want career advancement, more money and a different work challenge?
My mind was in a fog all day. I couldn't process the information. I scheduled an 11:30 meeting to discuss the overseas TDY since I didn't know how to respond to the DC office. I assumed, correctly, that if I don't get the supervisor job, management will support fully my going to London. If I do get the supervisor job and am assigned an admin/floater role, then I may have support from management to go. If I get the supervisor job and am assigned my own team right away, management will most likely not support my going abroad for 26 days. And I understand the rationale completely and have no hard feelings about it.
And then at 1:00, my interview. The panel comprised of four GS-13 Program Managers and one Assistant Director. And me. I felt the pressure of the moment in such a way that I could barely breathe. My breaths were rapid and shallow. The weight of my own expectations crushed me. I didn't feel any chemistry with the panel. I struggled to link my experience to the questions. I stuttered. I talked too much. I got off tangent. I was not my most coherent self.
I felt as though I had let down everybody. Someone that I consider a mentor was on the panel. I feel like I let her down. Before the inerview, I had exchanges with people in management. They were supporting me and telling me to "just be yourself." As I sat in the chair at the head of the conference table I wondered if my best was good enough. And if I don't get the job, then it is personal, something about me, that I failed. Before, I could look at it as a skill set that they were looking for. But the shift to thinking about being myself paralyzed me in a way that I did not expect.
So I have no expectation of getting the job, even though in my head I know that I am qualified for it. I have to keep reminding myself that if I don't get the job, then it is not my time and I will continue to love what I do, in the hours that I enjoy and I will go to London this summer. How bad is that? I will have other chances and there is Grace and Protection in what ever happens from here on out.
Through this process, I am grateful to the vocal support I have received. Today at lunch I sat with a former team mate who told me that when she was on 100% audit and so stressed, she found me to be a calming influence. She felt comfortable asking me questions and would walk away feeling like she could trust her own judgement and that she could exhale and relax. What a great compliment. And I only know about that because of trying to get to the next level. I need to take comfort in that.
Today I was able to put the anxiety of the two interviews aside and focus on my regular work. What a relief. There is a tonic to just doing my normal job. As the day wore on, my spirits lifted and I got over the second guessing and beating myself up about the experience.
And now, on to tonight's karate class!
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