For years I kept journals -- in composition, spiral bound, and French graph paper books. This blog is an attempt to get back to writing and documenting the world around me using photos, newspaper headlines, and other articles.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Birthday togs

On Friday morning, Selim wore his birthday gear.  I love the early morning light at the bus stop.  Lately we've been calling Nan while we wait for the bus.  One can never have too many people say "I love you, have a good day," that early in the morning.






So last night before bed I spent some time online looking for dance classes for adults in the Seacoast area.  Instead of trying to make karate be more like dance, maybe I should just go find a dance class.  I might ask if I can peek in at a ballet class in Portsmouth on Tuesday morning.  The ballroom classes in this area seem to have evening only classes.  With my schedule I wouldn't be able to make any of those.

I know my hubby was trying to be helpful last night when I felt so sad and lost.  He asked me why I was so upset because it wasn't like I was going for my black belt or anything.  So who cares about low scores?  That gave me pause for a nanosecond.  Have I thought about training for the years it would take to be a black belt?  No, not really.  But I hadn't considered that I would never reach that level -- until yesterday around 1:30 when I realized that my high scores weren't as high as everybody elses lows.  Clearly, I had no idea what I was doing.

I have known that I have an uncomfortable relationship with physical power.  Take, for example, the fact that I cry every time I step into the center of the mat to spar.  But I thought I could get over it eventually.  Instead of embracing the demonstration of power that the forms are supposed to be, I've been turning them into my comfort zone of a more lyrical expression of movement.  And that is not what karate is all about.  So maybe I'm better off finding a dance class.

One of the reasons that I was so sad last night when I got home is because I can't imagine going back to class and finding any joy.  My favorite part of class has always been the forms.  And now that I know that I am so bad and the attention of movement that I have is all wrong I can't see how I go back to blissful ignorance.  Right now I don't feel like going back to class.  So I feel like I've lost a community of people that I have enjoyed. 

I have enough failure in my life -- my sputtering meditation practice, trouble keeping a clean house, body that is still way overweight, carving out any quality time to be with my hubby, meal planning -- I don't need to add karate student to the list.  I'm not sure that I'm ready to go back for weekly reminders on how bad I really am.

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