For years I kept journals -- in composition, spiral bound, and French graph paper books. This blog is an attempt to get back to writing and documenting the world around me using photos, newspaper headlines, and other articles.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Hey Bebek

Just checking in with you today, on the anniversary of your loss.  Leading up to today, I thought I would be able to get through the day without a lot of sadness.  I'm in a good space in my head, body, family and job.  I felt prepared to acknowledge the events of today nine years ago and at the same time, not get sucked into a pit. 

I think if the sun had been out, it would have been easier to not get blue.  But like fog rolling in with the tide, the sadness crept up on me in the middle of the day.  Around lunch time I found myself curled up on my bed, stripped of sheets, so tired in my bones feeling, not having any energy to get up and continue with my day.  I felt the crash of loss beat down on me and I couldn't get up.  After a while I fell asleep and when I woke up, I felt better.  The lift in the barometric pressure helped.

So, there isn't much to share with you today.  Life is moving along.  I still wish that Selim had a sibling, but at the same time, I'm not interested in starting over and introducing a baby into our lives.  I'm enjoying the hours I have during the day before I go to work when I have the house all to myself.  Last year I had an hour a day of personal time and now I have more than that.  I don't want to go back to not being able to pee by myself without the constant companion of a little one.  I've made progress with contentment in the life that I am living.  And that is a good thing.

I hope wherever your soul is, that you have found love.  I was looking through my wedding pictures on Friday and was remembering the love I felt that day for Nedim and you.  That day was so much about the future.  My dress was chosen so that it could accommodate a little belly bump.  I was so grateful that I could look at those pictures and feel the happiness of that day and smile.  My thoughts didn't go immediately to the loss two days later.  Maybe I'm ready to have a wedding picture out on display somewhere in the house.  I think I can handle it now.  Even though our marriage was severely tested early on, our life has been full of love and the future still looks bright.

I love and miss you Bebek.  I'll catch up with you again next year.

Love,
Mom

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